Breaking Free
by IfEverythingElseTurnsToDirt
Summary: How did Rachel really feel after losing Jesse at Nationals?


She had failed to let him know how she truly felt after the kiss on stage, Finn had interrupted her, talking about how the kiss came with a cape as if that wanton kiss held any meaning to her. She of course had not spoken a word from that speech on, it would break Finns heart and she wasn't planning on becoming a malicious heart fiend in front of everyone. She had to live with the consequences of her actions or lack there of, and it pained her to see the man of her dreams, the man she had hoped to spend her life with walk out of her life feeling rejected and hurt by the one person that he truly loved. She'd had her fair share of heartbreaks, one close to this one. She knew how much it hurt to be rejected and have another chosen right before your very eyes, she knew heartbreak would stick with you forever yet here she was in Lima, Ohio another summer with Finn. Her fake smiles, her fake laughs, the perfect picture of a happy couple painted for McKinley High to appreciate, and the very storm brewing in Rachel's mind about how her life couldn't be any worse.

A flare for the dramatics had become her doom, considered a loser from junior high to now. She had never felt pretty enough, appreciated enough, honored enough or considered enough. Her whole life she had been shut out and then Glee Club came along and she felt like a part of something special, her proclaimed first love Finn Hudson paying no attention to her as usual until he wasn't blinded and realized she existed. Their first round didn't last long, Quinn ended up pregnant, the second round was no different it lasted longer but he once again chose Quinn. The third round was in the here and now she regretted the choice, would regret it for the rest of her life. She strived to rise above common teenage tendencies but her need for acceptance wouldn't let her and so she had lost not only Nationals, but Jesse St. James. It cut her deeply a wound created by no one but herself, she could opt to blame others for her faults such as Finn. He was an unsuspecting juvenile whom Rachel now noticed held no more intelligence than a peanut, she could find no rational reason why she had pinned over him so long. She could also blame Quinn, her quest for acceptance had driven her insane, if she gained what Quinn Fabaray had she would no longer be considered inferior the plan in which became a bust. Or she could blame Jesse, for making her notice what she had been missing all along leaving her to attempt to fill the empty void left in her heart after his earth shattering departure. She had been left in a small pond, not sea, of other liable fish she could try yet none could replace him, she had been delusional if she thought Finn could yet, she attempted it and for a while she had been happy until he got back with Quinn.

The on going months without him had seemed eternal she would fight Quinn for what she then considered her rightful place and then he sauntered back into her life with no warning whatsoever and she couldn't help but once again be entranced as the melancholy notes of Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" rolled off his tongue as if he meant every word about the scars left behind by their love and the smile that crept on her face when they sung of how they could have had it all was the only honest smile she had given the whole year they had been apart. He apologized, speaking of a college horror story and how unexpected his failing out had flipped his world upside down. She listened intently just like the day they first met, enthralled by the thought he had come back for her and only her. And then Finn had to once again interfere with their relationship, that idiot had ruined prom for both of them and then Jesse had kissed her after confessing his love for her was larger than his love for music ever would be and she couldn't say that, not yet, she feared having her heart broken again and for some insane reason over thought Finns feelings as if he had ever done anything that selfless for her ever. Then the fateful day of Nationals and their onstage kiss she hadn't expected it yet nor had she rejected it as a matter of fact she had kissed him back and for that she had only herself to blame. She had given Jesse an unspoken answer that he was never supposed to know because it wasn't the truth. Then she had remained quite through Frankenteens speech.

And then again everything could come full circle to Rachel and her dubious teenage mind. The inner workings of her mind were compelled towards fame and appreciation, her dreams all geared toward being someone in the world and that had caused her problems time and time again, she had a compulsive need to be right which had immediately created a wall between her and the male population, her talent was far to grand and unappreciated for a town like Lima that held beauty pageants like it was the end of the world. Her beauty never captivated anyone she had been told by two different boys that she was beautiful, three if you could count Noah Puckerman's attraction to her being a Jew and good looking exactly like him yet no girl had ever stared at her longingly like they would Quinn Fabaray and it bothered her so. No boy had ever looked at her the way they did her not even Finn who claimed he loved her, not until him, and not for one moment did she doubt the sincerity held in his eyes, those gorgeous blue eyes she had longed for a year to see once more, the ones she imagined whenever Finns hazel eyes were around. She longed to hold him, she missed the way they molded together perfectly as if they were made for each other, she missed the way she could easily lay her head to rest in the space between his shoulder and collarbone. She missed his wonderful head of curls, they shimmered in the sunlight and remained bouncy no matter how many times she or he ran their hands through it. But mostly she missed the way he understood her above and beyond the comprehension of an average mind, the way they connected on a level no one would ever be able to comprehend, they had fallen in love in a few short weeks but it would take them a lifetime to forget each other. She wished for the year to be over, so she could fight her way to the top where she belonged and hopefully he would be there with her, they wouldn't have to live without each other ever again if she could help it. What she never got the chance to tell him was that after she had confessed the dream of meeting her mother and it came true she had found a new dream and it was him. He became her dream, the inevitability he had spoken of would take place with him by her side and she never got to tell him but she would and kill her as it might she would let McKinley high know the truth behind this perfect picture. The truth would rear its ugly head and she would be free of the chains she longed to break off. That's the only way he'd know the secrets that had built up inside her, the secrets that were the unspoken answers of their heartbreak.


End file.
